Disclaimer: Janeway and Seven belong to ‘them’…blah, blah, blah

Author’s Note: This was inspired by the preview of Dark Frontier. The song is by Michael Jackson. And this is not a happy one, folks, but it’s not very long... Feedback is more than welcome. This is my first J/7 story.

Rating: PG - Angst Alert

Code: J(/7)

Summary: Kathryn Janeway reflects on her feelings about Seven of Nine.

Written: February 12, 1999 – February 23, 1999


She's out of my life

By Saffron 1999

She's out of my life
She's out of my life
And I don't know whether to laugh or cry
I don't know whether to live or die
And it cut's like a knife
She's out of my life

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Kathryn Janeway sat in her chair on the bridge. She was surrounded by other senior staff at their posts. Chakotay, at her left, was monitoring ships systems, but Kathryn just stared at the viewscreen, her mind 100 light years away.

Seven was gone. Kathryn couldn't believe it. Re-assimilated by the Borg less than a week ago. Voyager barely escaped with the hull in tact. But it wasn't as if Kathryn hadn't tried to get Seven back. She fought with everything she had, sometimes surprising even herself with such tenacity that would not let her stop such a futile attempt to get Seven back.

Kathryn felt herself once again begin to bubble over with emotion. She rose and quickly strode toward her Ready Room. Only Chakotay looked up from his duties to watch her leave.

Kathryn made her way to her desk, sat down and leaned back in her chair. She tried to make herself think rationally. When had she begun to have feelings for her? When had those innocent pale blue eyes captured her heart? Kathryn couldn’t think a precise moment but as she closed her eyes, she could Seven’s intent gaze that so often challenged her. Kathryn smiled. She liked challenges.

It was only last week that they played Velocity, neither of them knowing that it was for the last time. For the second time ever, Seven had won the majority of matches. Kathryn remembered wanting to kiss those smug lips, her partial reasoning being that she would have no longer have to look at the superiority that glinted in Seven’s eyes. The other reason…was one she always pushed away after the initial thought began. Kathryn always thought she had time to explore those feelings.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

It's out of my hands
It's out of my hands
To think for 2 years, she was here
And I took her for granted, I was so cavalier
Now the way that it stands
She's out of my hands

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Kathryn knew there were times when she tried to control Seven. She knew it was arrogance and pride that led her to act that way, but her actions were always doomed to failure. Seven, in her own, inimitable way, found a way of humbling the Captain. Sometimes by words, other times by gesture, but oftentimes by just a simple look. And with Seven, a look was all it took for Kathryn to had the sudden desire to take Seven in her arms, to hold her, to protect her, even…to love her.

Kathryn’s mind snapped back to the present. Love. That’s a word she’d never let herself think, let alone acknowledge. And still…she thought she had time. Time to learn… about herself and about Seven. Seven had been so very young in her development. Kathryn smiled at how child-like and innocent Seven seemed at times. Tears blurred her vision. She wiped them away angrily. Yes, she was angry. Angry with Seven for not fighting harder and angry…with herself for failing to rescue her. Even as she had these thoughts, she knew how irrational they were, and yet felt powerless to stop them.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

So I've learned that love's not possession
And I've learned that love won't wait
Now I've learned that love needs expression
But I learned too late

Kathryn didn’t like to feel powerless. Captains are in control and Kathryn liked that. But now, vulnerability seemed to cover her like a shroud. Feeling as though she would break any moment, she rested her elbows on her desk and buried her face in her hands. She felt the moisture of her silent tears on her fingers. She let them come. She knew that tomorrow, Voyager may encounter trouble and she needed to be ready. So for now, she let herself feel her grief, allowed it to flow through her and out with her tears. She just wished that she’d had more time.

She's out of my life
Damned indecision and cursed pride
Kept my love for her locked deep inside
And it cuts like a knife
She's out of my life


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