Started: August 1998/Completed: February 16, 2006

Disclaimer: Why do I have to keep saying this? Star Trek by Paramount.

Author's Note: Yes… this is a little song fic. Lyrics by Stevie Wonder.

Rating: PG/PG-13 for angst

Characters: J/C

by Saffron

Lately I have had the strangest feeling
With no vivid reason here to find
Yet the thought of losing you been hanging
‘Round my mind

Chakotay lay awake, insomnia refusing his body sleep. His thoughts were of Kathryn…but that was nothing new. What was new was that he had begun to feel a distance growing between himself and Kathryn.

Far more frequently you’re wearing perfume
With you say “no special place to go”
But when I ask will you be coming back soon
You don’t know
Never know

She had been spending more and more time away from him…a very strong contrast to how it had been when she had finally allowed herself to love him. Chakotay slowly became aware of the extra time she spent on duty or making herself available to the crew…without him, her energy spent, too tired for him.

Lately I’ve been staring in the mirror
Very slowly, picking me apart
Trying to tell myself I had no reason
With your heart

Chakotay sat in his quarters looking out of the window looking at the streaks of stars going by. He blinked his eyes and saw his reflection. In a very, brief and very rare moment of self-doubt, he examined the image for possible indications of what Kathryn might no longer want.

Just the other night while you were sleeping.
I vaguely heard you whisper someone’s name
But when I ask of the thoughts you’re keeping
You just say
Nothing’s changed

Kathryn was having a restless night. Her movements roused Chakotay from his light slumber. He moved to comfort her, but she sleepily pulled away. She spoke softly in her sleep…only a couple words were comprehensible…Voyager … home. Her quest to get her crew home assaulting her in her dreams, possessing her mind in waking moments. He watched her as she moved further & further away.

Well I’m a man of many wishes
I hope my premonition misses
But what I really feel
My eyes won’t let me hide
‘Cause they always start to cry
‘Cause this time could mean good-bye

Having Kathryn is his life was something he hadn't known he wanted, but when he did, he fought for her. Her fear that loving him would take her energies away from her duty… He thought his love for her would be enough. That is would be deep enough and strong enough to keep them together. His eyes were moist as he tried to blink away the tears. As soon as he had found her, he was losing her.

Oh I’m a man of many wishes
I hope my premonition misses
But what I really feel
My eyes won’t let me hide
‘Cause they always start to cry
‘Cause this time could mean good-bye

He watched as she disappeared out the door of his quarters, his tears falling unbidden. She hadn't even seemed surprised when he told her that he wanted to end it – them. But he had to give her credit. She at least looked sad about it… and she kissed him…. on the cheek. He knew she cared for him. But as much as he love her. It wasn't enough. It would never be enough.


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