Date of completion: June 26, 2000

Disclaimer: The characters and episodes represented in this story are owned by Paramount.

Rating: PG

Code: (J)/C, Tu, P, T, K, Kes, Neelix

Chakotay sat in the ready room. He couldn’t really call it "his" ready room. For him, it would forever be hers. Sitting at the desk, he turned to watch at the stars flash by the viewport. His stomach growled. It was only then that he realized that it had been 12 hours since he’d eaten.

Kathryn was gone. He closed his eyes, hoping to wake up from this nightmare. His thoughts went back to when he first saw her on screen after they had both been brought to the Delta Quadrant. Although he instantly hated that bun on her head, something in her face and voice captured a part of him then and there. He wanted to dislike her, but couldn’t. He remembered beaming over to Voyager that first time, her stepping between him and Tom Paris, invading his personal space, her voice resonating lightly in his head, the energy from her body that made him back down. It was that energy, and the fire in her eyes that burned into his brain and captured on his heart, although he hadn’t realized it at the time.

He put his hands to his face and felt the wetness. He hadn’t realized that he had started to cry. He wiped them away angrily. How dare she leave them. How dare she… The anger never stayed long. It seemed to rise up in him in bursts and dissipated as fast as it came.

If only he had gotten to her during that plasma storm on New Earth. If only he’d had a chance to tell her how he felt. If only…

~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~

When Voyager returned to New Earth with the pathogen, he almost didn’t answer.

"Tuvok to Captain Janeway or Commander Chakotay. Please come in."

Chakotay swallowed hard. "Chakotay here."

"I believe we have the pathogen that will effectively treat your condition. We will rendezvous with you in 30 hours."

"I’d like to speak with you privately, Mr. Tuvok."

"A moment please." Chakotay felt his legs grow weaker as he waited for Tuvok to speak again.

"Go ahead, Commander."

Chakotay opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out.

"Commander?"

"I’m here. Um…I…must inform you that…theCaptainisdead." Chakotay ran the last words together so fast that it made Tuvok unsure of what he heard.

"Would you please repeat that, Commander."

"The Captain… is dead."

There was no response from Tuvok.

"Tuvok?"

"How…did it happen?"

"There was a plasma storm, unlike any we’ve ever seen. She was struck by a bolt of plasma. There was nothing I could do."

"I will wait for you come on board so that you may inform the crew."

"Sounds good, Tuvok. Chakotay out." Chakotay sank to his knees and rested his head against the table. Tell the crew.

~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~

Chakotay shook his head to bring himself back to the present. He remembered the looks on the faces of crewmembers after he told them. He saw anger, disbelief, and many other emotions, but the worst of all was blame. Maybe he imagined that last one, but the guilt was overwhelming. Guilt overwhelmed him more than any other emotion he felt about Kathryn’s death. He had sworn to himself that he would protect and support this woman—and he had failed.

The growl of his stomach interrupted once again, so he rose to go to the mess hall. He took a deep breath before entering the bridge.

~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~

Tom sat at the conn, his hands flying over the panel, but his thoughts weren’t on what he was doing. Captain Janeway—gone. The ship wasn’t the same. It didn’t even handle the same. Kathryn Janeway was the first person, in a long time, to see his potential and help him attain the insight to discover it for himself.

From the moment she first spoke his name at the New Zealand Penal Settlement, Tom knew this woman who introduced herself as Kathryn Janeway commanded inherent respect. It was in her voice, in her posture—and in her eyes. As she talked him that first day, he knew she didn’t trust him, and although she had every reason to feel that way, he resented her for it.

But by the time they had dealt with the caretaker and she had granted him the field commission of lieutenant assigned to conn, the resentment had begun to fade away. When Kathryn Janeway smiled at him and shook his hand in congratulations, he was almost speechless. That the first time, in a long time, someone looked at him as a person with possibilities rather than as a failure.

The sound of the ready room doors opening brought Tom back to the present. He turned his head to see Chakotay heading towards the turbolift.

~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~

Harry Kim’s eyes followed Chakotay as he entered the turbolift then resumed staring at the Ops panel in front of him. If he listened hard enough, he could hear her voice… "Status, Mr. Kim." Harry inhaled sharply as he felt the pressure behind his eyes threatening to produce tears.

He remembered feeling anxious and excited when he first reported for duty on Voyager. But those first few moments in Captain Janeway’s quarters, the wrong words kept coming out of his mouth. He was instantly put at ease by her sense of humor. "At ease, before you sprain something," she had said. At the time, he was too nervous to see the humor, but now, it produced a bittersweet smile and tear formed in his right eye. He wiped it away before anyone saw.

~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~

Tuvok didn’t even look up when Chakotay exited the Ready room. His routine had hardly varied since Janeway’s death. How logical would that be? But her absence affected him deeply, more than anybody could ever know. He remembered when he was first assigned as tactical officer under Captain Janeway’s command. This assignment had come after a much heated debate between himself and Janeway during the review board after her first mission. He had been impressed by the way she stood up to his charges. There was even some logic to what she said. He knew she resented him for what he said, after all, he was an ensign and she, a captain. That was the beginning of one of his most valued relationships. In his youth, he never thought that a human would become one of his closest friends. Since her death, he’d had to increase his meditative periods to deal with the loss.

~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~

"Warp particles." Those words rang out in B’Elanna’s Torres’ head. Those words signified the turning point of her relationship with the captain and the crew of Voyager. B’Elanna sat in her office. She was spending more and more time there lately. She did work while she was in there, but was constantly distracted by thoughts of Kathryn Janeway, the woman who she initially resented for getting them stranded in the Delta Quadrant. A woman who gave B’Elanna a chance and didn’t abandon her when she screwed up.

Kathryn Janeway had initially been resistant when Chakotay had recommended her for Chief engineer. Actually, it was a recommendation that B’Elanna herself did not quite understand. At least not then. B’Elanna was sure that Starfleet would change her, take away her spirit as she felt it had when she was at the academy. But, in reality, the opposite was true. She knew after the incident concerning the Trajector Matrix, that she had changed—and for the better. She actually had moments where anger didn’t consume her, and it was Kathryn Janeway’s belief in her that helped B’Elanna achieve those moments of peace.

When she closed her eyes, she could still see the look of disappointment and betrayal on Janeway’s face and the words spoken that she would never forget. "I want you to know how very deeply you have disappointed me. If there are any further transgressions, even a minor one, you will no longer be an officer on this crew." B’Elanna was instantly consumed by grief at this thought. She let the emotions ripple through her briefly and then tucked them away. She stood up, straightened her uniform and returned to her duties in engineering.

~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~

Kes stood among the plants in the hydroponics bay. Normally, she would feel at peace, but now, an empty feeling filled her. Every flower, every fruit, every leaf echoed the absence of Captain Janeway. Her extra burden was the crew’s grief. She could feel it, hear it in her mind and no matter how she tried, she couldn’t shut it out. She had come to think of the Captain as a confidante or even, a maternal figure in her life. Kes remembered the initial surprise she felt when Captain Janeway told her that setting up the hydroponics bay would be her project. That surprise quickly turned to excitement at the chance to prove her worth on the ship.

Her mind flashed to her premature Elogium and how Captain Janeway was the only on she initially trusted to confide in or how comforting she was following the transport accident that created Tuvix. The pictures of these events played in her mind like a slide show as the captain’s voice played in her mind. "My door is always open to you, Kes." Kes’ eyes rested on the different colored roses in full bloom a few feet from where she stood. They were among some of the captain’s favorites. Kes made her way to them and began to cut some of them to make a flower arrangement in the captain’s memory.

~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~

Neelix kept himself busy in his kitchen. But lately, the thought occurred to him that it really wasn’t "his" kitchen. It was actually the captain’s private dining room that he had commandeered. He couldn’t get the image of her incredulous facial expression when she walked in and saw him cooking away. Neelix found himself wondering that the outcome of that confrontation would have been had she not been called away. In that very short time since he’d joined the crew, Neelix quickly became fond of the woman who’s command was completely inherent and that made her a formidable force to reckon with.

He knew that over the years, she had let him get away with things she might not tolerate from the other crew members. He’d always felt that made their relationship special. Neelix stared down at the extra pot of coffee he had just made. He had come to anticipate her need for it. It was a habit that he couldn’t seem to break himself of. As he set the pot to the side to be recycled, his attention was caught by a crew member needing assistance, and he left his ponderings behind and went to provide any needed service.

~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~

Chakotay sat in his quarters. He hadn’t made it to the mess hall. He was deep in a vision quest. A vision quest that he’d been evading, but he knew that if the crew saw him start to move forward, it would make it easier for them to do the same. Chakotay opened his eyes, his breathing labored, his clothes soaked through with sweat and tears mixing with the beads of sweat on his face. He had seen her, talked to her, and was reassured that this was where he’d always find her. He rested his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands, finally allowing himself to mourn her death—finally allowing himself to begin healing.

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